let it be

I miss having free time. And not free time to clean my room or catch up on lesson plans (which I did today), but free time to hang out with people and have a life outside of school.

Yay, grad school.

I'm babysitting tonight. Pheobe finally stopped crying about 20 minutes ago and I'm watching Stephen King's Dreamcatcher - an OK movie and much better novel. Man, I love scary movies.

I like October because October means Halloween and Halloween means lots and lots of horror movies on TV. I love horror movies. Good ones, bad ones, cheesy ones, terrifying ones. I love them all. And I'll watch them over and over again, even if I've seen them a million times already. It's kind of ridiculous. I'm glad the kids are asleep.

Tomorrow Daniel and I are driving down to Carmel (hooray!) for Alex & Erica's wedding (double hooray!). I'm looking forward to great weather, late-breakfast/early-lunch in adorable Carmel, and a really fabulous wedding with all of my absolute favorite people. Then, I get to go visit my parents and do laundry! A full weekend, indeed.

I just found out that I have to dress up for Halloween at my junior high. But I still need to be able to move around and teach and be taken (somewhat) seriously. Any ideas?

From Junior Year, ...

I carved this pumpkin!

just a momentary thing

I haven't done a meme in.... well, ever. But I thought this was kind of clever. Answer in two words only!

1. Explain what ended your last relationship?
Geographically undesireable

2. When was the last time you shaved?
Wednesday morning

3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.?
Sleeping in!

4. Were you any good at math?
That's funny

5. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
Driving home

6. Your prom night?
Super anticlimatic

7. Do you have any famous ancestors?
American Indians

8. Have you had to take a loan out for school?
Thanks, parents!

9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile?
Yeah, duh

10. Last thing received in the mail?
Junk, bills

11. How many different beverages have you had today?
Milk, juice

12. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machine?
Short ones

13. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to?
OC Supertones

14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
Junior high

15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had?
Wisdom teeth

16. What is out your back door?
Train tracks

17. Any plans for Friday night?
Lesson plans

18. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
My fav

19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns?
Gross, no

20. Have you ever been to a planetarium?
Not yet

21. Do you re-use towels after you shower?
Never ever

22. Some things you are excited about?
Thanksgiving break!

23. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO?
Anything orange

24. Describe your keychain(s)?
Jump drive

25. Where do you keep your change?
Laundry basket


In other news, I have to create and maintain a "professional website" for my EDU 180 class - kind lame, but check it out.

you have been the one for me

I figured maybe I should write about something of substance...

On staff retreat last weekend we did a value-sorting exercise, where we were given 30 values and had to sort them according to importance in work situations. Inevitably, things like "working on the frontiers of knowledg" and "precision work" and "stress/pressure" ranked very low on my value continuum. Likewise, "helping others", "creativity", and "independence" ranked very high. However, so did "mental stimulation" and "working alone".

Which brings me to the conclusion that, if you've been paying attention, has been brewing for quite some time now:

I hate grad school.

I hate group work and partner sharing and stupid projects. I'm tired of observing teacher's whose teaching strategies I don't agree with and I'm sick, sick, SICK of keeping observation journals. The more I sit and listen to lectures on learning theories and EDI and minority representation, the less I want to even be a teacher. Yesterday, I turned in a big project. It was this:


Miss Garcia's Learning Theatre. A visual metaphor of how I learn. Learning is like theatre. The lights illuminate your prior knowledge, the audience assesses both the individual as well as the ensemble performance, blah blah blah.

Am I really doing arts and freaking crafts? I'm 22 years old and I'm making posters for homework. I'm reading boring books that aren't telling me anything about teaching except that it's "the most important job you can have", and no one will just let me teach anything. I'm bored. And anyone who knows anything about behavior management knows that the kids who are most distruptive in class are the ones who are bored. Does anyone remember me in junior high?

When do I get to teach Steinbeck? I'm over it.

Now is the winter of our discontent.
-Shakespeare, Richard III

i saw the end

I was stuck on my couch all day yesterday, watching season 1 of Veronica Mars. It was a nice break from my hectic schedule, but it concerns me that my body had to stage an all-out war on my immune system just to get me to sit down for a few minutes. Daniel thought I might have West Nile (I do have an over-abundance of mosquito bites) but I was leaning more towards the plague, thanks, of course, to the fabulous season premiere of Grey's - an entire episode of flashbacks redeemed solely by McVet's declaration that, "he's not good for you. And I am", which had me screaming "Exactly!" at the television like a crazy person. Cue Derek stepping in to screw things up once again and me shaking my fist in frustration.

I am far too involved in this show.

Assuming I don't snot all over my computer (I'm recovering, albeit slowly), today I must tackle the last of my EDU 275 assignments and make sure my portfolio pieces are in order. I can't believe this first round of classes is ending already. I get a grand total of three days off from teaching before jumping in at the junior high and tacking on another set of classes.

Is it June yet? Just checking.

along the watchtower

It turned fall this week. Then today it turned back into summer. It was foolish of me to think that the seasons would follow any sort of predictable pattern, considering the overall feel of my life lately. I need to take out the trash.

I have entered my final week of solitude. My roommate moves in next weekend and I'm... sad. I've enjoyed living by myself. I'm not obnoxious to live with - I don't play my music loud or have lots of people over or hog the TV or make messes. I tend to clean up other peoples' messes and remind my guests to be quiet and I never borrow things without asking. But... I would really just prefer to live alone and I find myself anxiously awaiting next fall, when I've been hired by a real school, am making a real salary, and can afford my own, lovely, one-bedroom apartment for no one but little me. At least for a little while.

The last six weeks have been overwhelming and difficult and hilarious and enlightening. I feel like I'm wasting my time in class some days and other days I walk away with such a profound sense of the enormous responsibility that they're placing in my hands that I can't even see straight. And, blessedly, we all get along. On Friday night, Brittany and her "partner-slash-fiancee" Matt had the whole cohort over for an international themed potluck at their precious little house in Sacramento and we sat in their backyard under twinkle lights until midnight drinking sangria and black cherry vodka tonics (I represented Russia) and eating Matt's incredible spring rolls and pad thai, commiserating and laughing and having, as Lisa put it, "our own real grad student party!". And it was great.

As far as the actual "school" part of school... My ELD class is a mess - no one knows what is going on, least of all myself. We've retained maybe five of our original students in the biggest class schedule shake-up of the century and haven't even ordered books. I don't know how, or what, I'm going to teach come January. Fransisco, who has been in the country the longest at nearly 5 years, can't even spell in his own language. As I reviewed his work this week, I noticed that quien was spelled with a K. The entire Spanish alphabet does'nt have a K in it. Lord, help me. My ninth grade advanced class is a little better... We at least have books and an established class roster. I get to teach Romeo & Juliet, etc etc...

In two weeks, I start my secondary placement at Norwood JHS in Sac. I'll be there all quarter with Jessica and Jenny and... well.... whatever. I'm excited, I guess. I'm just kind of rolling with the punches right now. Val and Pauline say that our schedules are about to get "really crazy", which is sort of frightening because what have our schedules been recently if not that?

I get the first third of my grant money tomorrow (almost $2,000!) and I'm trying to decide what to do with it. While the "I hate spending money" part of me wants to pay off the last of my credit card and then put the rest into savings and forget about it for a while, the "I like pretty, new things" part of me is itching for a new computer. Actually, I think my current computer is itching for me to get a new computer too. And, logically, it's a better idea to buy the new machine now with the grant money than to try to scrape up the money to do it once I get out of school. Ugh.

I. Hate. Money.

In far more exciting news, Grey's Anatomy season 3 premiers this Thursday! Daniel has been listening to The Fray nonstop for the past week and I'm ready to kill him. But Grey's! Grey's!!!

Oh! And my soccer team (The Chelsea Aquabats - don't ask) won our second game yesterday 6-3! They were so awesome and fun to watch and I looooove coaching!

(how's that for an update, friends?)

my joy

If this week (or, I don't know... tomorrow) doesn't kill me, I'll.... do something crazy. Daniel just called to wish me good luck and all I could do was wimper.

Weekend in LA with Steph and JP was fabulous. Just so.... fabulous. They are such.... good people. The elipses mean I don't have the energy (or the vocabulary) to adequately express how incredible my friends are.


And He set me on fire
I am burning alive
With His breath in my lungs
I am coming undone

100 years to live

Are you tired of hearing that I'm overwhelmed? Yeah, well I'm tired of feeling overwhelmed.

Today, Jess and I met with Amy at HJHS to talk about some of the classes we'll be teaching and to get our bearings on campus. It's just.... so much. There is just so much to think about.

I had a minor breakdown yesterday (I've been feeling unnaturally emotionally fragile for the last 2 weeks, and I'm guessing grad school has something to do with it), when Amy called to tell me about her classes, all of which are super low-level ELD classes. I understand the value and necessity of ELD, especially in California, and I truly respect ELD teachers because, damn, that's hard work. But, but, but.... I'm not getting my EDL certification. I don't want to get my ELD certification. I'm getting my teaching credential so I can teach all of the things I've spent the last four years busting my ass to learn. Please don't put me in a classroom with kids who can't even count to 10 in Engish. That's not what I've been working towards.

And it just seems so unfair sometimes that Jessica and I are at HJHS and that Caitlin and Brittany are at Grant, while other people are at Cordova and Pioneer and West freaking Campus (a college prep public school!), for heaven's sake. Why do we have to worry about gangs and riots and pregnant girls in our classes, while they have to worry about.... whatever it is you worry about at schools that don't have gang or violence problems because they, literally, are on the "right side of the tracks"?

But I digress. I'm tired of talking about high schools. And I have to draw up lessons plans.

For ELD students.

through sick lullaby

Yesterday was not nearly as crazy as Monday, but things are still pretty intense. My room is a mess, I have a ton of reading to do, I need to start designing lesson plans, and I'm supposed to fit an AYSO coaching seminar in there somewhere. I want August/September to be done.

As if life weren't crazy enough on its own, I keep having dreams about Neal, which isn't as upsetting as it is just annoying. It occurs to me that, perhaps subconsciously, I'm still waiting for an apology or an explanation or anything that would make the last year feel less... something. I don't know if it's that my feelings are still hurt or if I just feel some sort of righteous indignation over the whole thing. Like, what did I do to deserve to be humiliated like that? Why did I feel like I had done something wrong when I came home, for trying to pick up the pieces and move on, and then I apologized? I apologized! Over and over again. For nothing. Nothing I did warranted an apology and I took it all on myself, like if I took enough blame for a decision that had nothing to do with me, I could make it better again. Like if I apologized for accepting an incredible job that took me across the country and exposed me to a faith I had never experienced before, I could make him change his mind.

Ridiculous. I took the blame for his mistake. I felt guilty for leaving, when it was his own weakness that couldn't handle my being gone. So why am I still upset about this?

I just want to hear, "I'm sorry".


It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss

when i see it for myself

Today was my first "official" day of grad school. I was in the Academic Surge from 10am-5pm, then I ran a couple of miles at the ARC, then came home, showered, and watched 7th Heaven (no kidding). Then Dave came over and we talked about soccer and now I'm (hopefully) going to put away all this clean laundry.

I'm overwhelmed. Hosay said that Valerie told her that everyone in the program has a nervous breakdown during this first week. I think I'm having mine. There's something very cruel about scheduling 7 hours of class and then giving us every single assignment that will be due in the next two months at one time. Tomorrow I have to drive out to HJHS with Jessica to work on our photo assignment and I have about a million chapters to read in a textbook that hasn't come in the mail yet.

See kids, grad school is fun!

I need to read my Bible.

this desert life

I'm heading back to the Bay this weekend to celebrate Nana's birthday and do some laundry, because I refuse to pay $1 to wash and $1 to dry at my apartment complex. I've never had to pay for laundry before, and I'm not starting now.

Plus, I have no change.

I'm way glad this week is over. Orientation classes are boring and have too much group busy-work. I'm trying very hard not to see the majority of my credential classes as a colossal waste of time while anxiously waiting to finally get inside a classroom. HJHS doesn't start until after Labor Day, so while Jenny and Lisa have already taught their first lesson, I haven't even been on campus yet. Ugh.

I need a new computer. My baby is getting old and sluggish.


And my guitar gently weeps