100 years to live

Are you tired of hearing that I'm overwhelmed? Yeah, well I'm tired of feeling overwhelmed.

Today, Jess and I met with Amy at HJHS to talk about some of the classes we'll be teaching and to get our bearings on campus. It's just.... so much. There is just so much to think about.

I had a minor breakdown yesterday (I've been feeling unnaturally emotionally fragile for the last 2 weeks, and I'm guessing grad school has something to do with it), when Amy called to tell me about her classes, all of which are super low-level ELD classes. I understand the value and necessity of ELD, especially in California, and I truly respect ELD teachers because, damn, that's hard work. But, but, but.... I'm not getting my EDL certification. I don't want to get my ELD certification. I'm getting my teaching credential so I can teach all of the things I've spent the last four years busting my ass to learn. Please don't put me in a classroom with kids who can't even count to 10 in Engish. That's not what I've been working towards.

And it just seems so unfair sometimes that Jessica and I are at HJHS and that Caitlin and Brittany are at Grant, while other people are at Cordova and Pioneer and West freaking Campus (a college prep public school!), for heaven's sake. Why do we have to worry about gangs and riots and pregnant girls in our classes, while they have to worry about.... whatever it is you worry about at schools that don't have gang or violence problems because they, literally, are on the "right side of the tracks"?

But I digress. I'm tired of talking about high schools. And I have to draw up lessons plans.

For ELD students.

the kitchens on fire

I met about a million new people last night, and had the most fun night out in Davis pretty much ever. I went out with Hosay (from my English cohort) and approximately 1,259 of her friends at Froggy's, where we met up with Erin (also from our cohort) and ran into some people from our other classes. I didn't really want to go at first, but I sucked it up because it's important to me to get to know these people and make some friends who aren't undergrads anymore, and to move on from the stupidness of spring quarter. So we drank and danced and goofed around until like 2, then Jeff walked me home and we talked about religion and teaching and other fun things, and then I slept soundly until this morning when, on my walk back downtown to get my car, Hosay drove by and picked me up and wanted to make sure that I had a good time, because all of her friends loved me and want me around more.

Not bad.

I have homework to finish, but I don't want to do it, and my apartment is stuffy and messy and I have so many things to get done in so little time, so I think I'm going to watch some Sex in the City and just forget about it all for a little while.

Real life, what?

i believe

I have a love-hate relationship with MySpace.

On one hand, I love MySpace because it appeals to everything snoopish and voyeuristic within me. I love that I can see Steph and JP's wedding pictures on JP's MySpace, I love that I can discover which girls from my junior high are, in fact, lesbians without actually having to speak to anyone from junior high. I love that I can discover new music and practice my coding skills and keep up with ADX girls all across the country.

On the other hand, I hate that MySpace allows me to see what my junior high students are up to when they aren't at youth group. I hate that it is a billboard in flashing neon of my brother's (occasionally illegal) escapades in Chico. I hate that I can feel defined by music choices and color combinations and that people actually get offended if they aren't in your "Top 8".

I've been advised to get rid of my MySpace when I start student teaching, and I'm tempted to take that advice. Although I don't fear getting in trouble because of what's on my own MySpace, ignorance is bliss and I would just rather not know a lot of things that I discover, completely unexpectedly, via a MySpace bulletin (a note to pot-smokers in the building: please do not tell me that you are using Bible paper to roll your joints. Especially if you used to be in my small group. Thanks.)

David and I have been MySpace messaging back and forth these last several days about Cain and Abel (I have always been his go-to Bible expert) after a three year "break" in which we refused to acknowledge the others' presence. It's weird, how they all start to come back at the same time, in one way or another. Ro messaged me on Facebook (another love-hate relationship here) today and, although the Neal dreams have subsided, he'll be back in town soon and Lord knows I always run into him in the worst situations. It's only a matter of time before I hear from Heath again, and at least James is, literally, half a world away.

Incidentally, Daniel is also out of town and all I really want is a big hug from my favorite boyfriend of all time.


And doesn't that sound familiar
Doesn't that hit too close to home
Doesn't that make you shiver
The way things could have gone?
Doesn't that feel peculiar
When everyone wants a little more?
So that I do remember
To never go that far
Cause you leave me with a scar

resolution

If Daniel's going to Asia next summer with the Roma Crew, I'm going back to New York.

That's all.

through sick lullaby

Yesterday was not nearly as crazy as Monday, but things are still pretty intense. My room is a mess, I have a ton of reading to do, I need to start designing lesson plans, and I'm supposed to fit an AYSO coaching seminar in there somewhere. I want August/September to be done.

As if life weren't crazy enough on its own, I keep having dreams about Neal, which isn't as upsetting as it is just annoying. It occurs to me that, perhaps subconsciously, I'm still waiting for an apology or an explanation or anything that would make the last year feel less... something. I don't know if it's that my feelings are still hurt or if I just feel some sort of righteous indignation over the whole thing. Like, what did I do to deserve to be humiliated like that? Why did I feel like I had done something wrong when I came home, for trying to pick up the pieces and move on, and then I apologized? I apologized! Over and over again. For nothing. Nothing I did warranted an apology and I took it all on myself, like if I took enough blame for a decision that had nothing to do with me, I could make it better again. Like if I apologized for accepting an incredible job that took me across the country and exposed me to a faith I had never experienced before, I could make him change his mind.

Ridiculous. I took the blame for his mistake. I felt guilty for leaving, when it was his own weakness that couldn't handle my being gone. So why am I still upset about this?

I just want to hear, "I'm sorry".


It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss

when i see it for myself

Today was my first "official" day of grad school. I was in the Academic Surge from 10am-5pm, then I ran a couple of miles at the ARC, then came home, showered, and watched 7th Heaven (no kidding). Then Dave came over and we talked about soccer and now I'm (hopefully) going to put away all this clean laundry.

I'm overwhelmed. Hosay said that Valerie told her that everyone in the program has a nervous breakdown during this first week. I think I'm having mine. There's something very cruel about scheduling 7 hours of class and then giving us every single assignment that will be due in the next two months at one time. Tomorrow I have to drive out to HJHS with Jessica to work on our photo assignment and I have about a million chapters to read in a textbook that hasn't come in the mail yet.

See kids, grad school is fun!

I need to read my Bible.

this desert life

I'm heading back to the Bay this weekend to celebrate Nana's birthday and do some laundry, because I refuse to pay $1 to wash and $1 to dry at my apartment complex. I've never had to pay for laundry before, and I'm not starting now.

Plus, I have no change.

I'm way glad this week is over. Orientation classes are boring and have too much group busy-work. I'm trying very hard not to see the majority of my credential classes as a colossal waste of time while anxiously waiting to finally get inside a classroom. HJHS doesn't start until after Labor Day, so while Jenny and Lisa have already taught their first lesson, I haven't even been on campus yet. Ugh.

I need a new computer. My baby is getting old and sluggish.


And my guitar gently weeps

say goodbye without ever leaving

Being moved in is nice. I have a few things left to do before my first class tomorrow like finish my homework, order my textbooks, and call my vice-principle to finalize my schedule.

That's right, I finally know where I'm teaching this year. Hiram Johnson High School takes up a whole city block on 14th Ave in Sac, has a pretty intense athletic program, and has completely integrated the e21 program, the most dramatic urban high school reform plan in the nation (I learned about it while I was working for Sarah). e21 is reforming Sac high schools in order to increase the number of students who are prepared for college and the world of work by placing all of its students and teachers in small learning communities (HJHS has nine, ranging from an arts and multimedia community to a health and medical services community to an international cultural community). The goal is to increase student motivation at higher academic levels away from the traditional environment of large, impersonal, comprehensive high schools. In smaller communities of only several hundred students (rather than several thousand) teachers and students are able to form more personal relationships and, as teachers, we are able to offer more personalized instruction. It's very exciting.

HJHS also has four counselors on site, as well as a clinical psychiatrist, a gang suppression supervisor, an on-site social worker, and an assistant principle specifically for at-risk students. You know, just your typical, everyday Sac-City high school.

love has come

Something I should have noticed earlier: My apartment backs up to the train tracks. Train #1 rumbled past at 9:45 this morning. Train #2 at 11:15.

Interesting.

adding to the noise

I'm sitting amidst boxes of books, shoes, and dishes in my new apartment, alone for the time being. Amy doesn't move back in until the quarter starts late September, so I have a month or so to myself. I'm exhausted from hauling furniture around, but can't bring myself to go to bed yet because brushing my teeth will involve unpacking another crate, and I just can't handle that right now.

It's weird being back in Davis, when I thought I would be in Pasadena by now. It's weird being in a relationship this pristine, when I thought I would be single for a bit longer. It's weird being a graduate student, and living by myself (even for a little while), and feeling so damn adult and tied-down... in a liberating way.

Travis and I met for ice cream on the SJSU campus yesterday and talked about all our friends and their contagious travel-bugs. We talked about moving to New York and being poor and single and fabulous. We talked about joining the Peace Corps and living in Africa and making a real difference. We talked about teaching English in Japan and practicing anonymity. We talked about working our way up the continent to Ireland, applying for Irish citizenship, and just trying something new for a while.

I realize I'm stuck in California for another five-or-so years, going through my "induction period" for my credential ("will there be hazing?" Trav wonders), but I can't help but be just as excited at my prospects as I am about everyone else's. Because I have this opportunity to do something really incredible... 'Cause see, you can be a teacher, or you can be a teacher. And I intend to be the latter.

Cause I'm a fire
I'm a flood
I'm a revolution
I'm a war
Already won
I'm a revolution
-Starfield

goodness knows i saw it coming

I've updated my MySpace. I've been way productive lately.

Moving back to Davis this weekend. Yikes!

fire dancer

Allow me a moment of supreme girliness:

Daniel got me tickets to Dave Matthews Band on September 9 at Shoreline! Wheeeeee!

Do I have a great boyfriend, or what?

with a name like dani california

As promised, here are pictures from the last several months (Well, years really. All the way back to high school.). This is just a sampling, of course, as there are far too many to post.

LOVE.

watch the world around fly by us

I think the problem is that I have so many thoughts. And those thoughts get all bunched up in my head while I'm making sandwiches or walking the dog or watching Sex in the City and then I sit down to write and just get frustrated and give up. If it's any consolation, dear readers, not much has been happening in the world of Megan this summer. A brief recap:

The weekend before Maui, Daniel and I went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium and then explored downtown Carmel - taking lots of pictures, drinking lots of coffee, and being generally goofy. Both weddings (Steph's and Katie's) were gorgeous and I put in a lot of hours at the grocery store. Then it was off to Hawaii.

Two weeks of vacation is a lot of vacation and I was ready to come home by the end, but our condo was awesome, the beach was beautiful, and the food was incredible. It was a fun time to spend with my parents and with Daniel, who joined us for a week of the trip. We drove to Hana and hiked the Pipiwai Trail to the Waimoku Falls, which was a totally incredible adventure.

I read a few books while in Hawaii:
Prep, Curtis Sittenfield
The Icarus Girl, Helen Oyeyemi (she's only 21!)
When Crickets Cry, Charles Martin
Angry Housewives Eating BonBons, Lorna Landvik
The Devil Wears Prada, Lauren Weisberger
The Memory Keeper's Daughter, Kim Edwards
Into Thin Air, Jon Krakaur
Running with Scissors, Augusten Burroughs
Life Before Man, Margaret Atwood
The Handmaid's Tale (again), Margaret Atwood

As far as I know, nothing spectacular happened while we were gone aside from Alex and Erica's engagement (which, I'll admit, despite totally seeing it coming, is pretty specatcular in and of itself).


So now I'm back in the Bay, working at the store until the 13th, at which point I'll pack up all of my things and caravan back to Davis, move into my new place, and start school again. I got my TB test read (Hooray! I don't have tuberculosis!) and have finished all of my paperwork, so I should get my school placements soon. I'm a little nervous and a lot excited and really just want to get this whole thing started because I'm sick of obsessing over it while I wait.

Er... pictures soon. Maybe?

you make me feel

Mmmmmhmmmm......

i believe the sun also rises

Oh yeah, I'm home.

Since rolling into the Bay around 2pm on Wednesday, I've spent copious amounts of time with Steph & Family prepping for the wedding, worked a shift for my dad, taken lots of naps, talked to Canadian Mike at COTW on the phone (!!!), bought a new bathing suit, went to the eye doctor, did some Ebay-ing (Seychelles shoes and Anthropologie skirts, to be precise), and have not unpacked a single thing.

I enjoy being home because it gives me a chance to decompress from a frantic 9 months in Davis and then, once properly decompressed, to get excited about the next frantic 9 months. Talking about the graduate program hasn't gotten old yet, which is nice, nor has talking about the new apartment and the new(ish) boyfriend and the (frighteningly impending) future.

Being back at home makes me feel very adult and very childish all at the same time. Steph and I are amazed that our 1st period PE class freshman year at St. Francis was over 8 years ago now - sometimes it feels like we ran the mile together just last week - but at the same time we are proud to be college graduates, going to grad school and getting married and expected to be real adults. Being 22 is such a funny age because I'm not entirely sure where I stand right now. Sometimes I'm a big adult and ready to take on the world and other times it's my first day of high school and I don't know anyone in my homeroom and have a huge zit in the middle of my forehead.

I just want a peek at my future sometimes, just to make sure that everything turns out OK. Will I be a good teacher? Will Daniel and I get married next summer? Will I stay in Northern California (perish the thought!)? Will I eventually get to do AIDS education in Africa? Will I get back on stage someday? What if all these things I'm so passionate about get pushed aside for something else that I haven't even thought of yet?

You see, I often come home and get overwhelmed with all the possibilities. I don't think about them much in Davis because I'm preoccupied with papers and junior high students and the drama of small town living, but I come back home to a house so big and a Bay even bigger and I think about all the places I could go and all the people I could be and I pray that God, in His awesome power, crafts something undeniably "me" for me, so that I can be everywhere and do everything and accomplish something incredible for Him.

I come home and I want to write novels and travel the world and be an amazing mom. I come home and want to learn how to cook and sculpt gorgeous abs and build an impressive library of books no one has heard of but that everyone should read. I come home and I remember who I am - where I came from and what I came through and, most importantly, who I've always wanted to be.

Hold me
Break me
Mold me
And Make me more and more like You

you will be the one to lead

Last night I babysat for a new family that I met through Oasis at UCC. I've had Sarah in Oasis Childcare for about a year now, and she's an absolute doll, so when Linda called me and asked if I would watch Sarah and Lucas on Thursday evening, I gladly agreed. As expected, the children were angels and we read Winnie the Pooh stories all evening.

I remember a lot of Winnie the Pooh from my childhood, but mostly in the form of TV shows and movies, courtesy of Disney, not the original stories by A.A. Milne. I think I would be a lot more into Winnie the Pooh had I been in the possesion of something like this which, of course, I am now desperate to own.

These stories are funny, folks. And in a very adult way too. They are quick and intelligent and sarcastic and gave me several good chuckles.

A sampling from "In Which Pooh Invents a New Game and Eeyore Joins In":

"How did you fall in, Eeyore?" Asked Rabbit, as he dried him with Piglet's hankerchief.

"I didn't," said Eeyore.

"But how---"

"I was BOUNCED," said Eeyore.

"Oo," said Roo excitedly, "did somebody push you?"

"Somebody BOUNCED me. I was just thinking by the side of the river
- thinking, if any of you know what that means, when I recieved a loud BOUNCE."

"Oh, Eeyore!" said everybody.

"Are you sure you didn't slip?" asked Rabbit wisely.

"Of course I slipped. If you're standing on the slippery bank of a river andsomebody BOUNCES you loudly from behind, you slip. What did you think I did?"

"But who did it?" asked Roo.

Eeyore didn't answer.

"I expect it was Tigger," said Piglet nervously.

But, Eeyore," said Pooh. "Was it a Joke, or an Accident? I mean--"

"I didn't stop to ask, Pooh. Even at the very bottom of the river I
didn't stop to say to myself. 'Is this a Hearty Joke, or is it the Merest Accident?' I just floated to the surface, and said to myself, 'It's wet.' If you know what I mean."

In other news, Daniel is home for Father's Day, my mom is coming up tomorrow to help me finish packing, and Mindy is getting married this weekend! Come Monday and Tuesday, I'm off on the Mystery Trip (I'm not even positive where we're going!) with The Edge and then I finally get to move back home. Glorious.

It's hot out.

where oh where can i find someone, anyone

For my birthday, my old boss Sarah gave me two potted plants - a trailing ivy and some tiny little flowers - which I promptly killed. I didn't think I was bad at plants, but I'd never really had plants, so I don't know why I thought I'd be good at them. Daniel was over as I was packing up my room the other day and he saw the empty ivy pot and asked what I was going to do with it.

"I dunno. You should buy me a plant at the nursery and I'll try to keep it alive. It will be like a love fern," I joked.
"That's a good idea. Maybe I will."

I then proceeded to pack the pot at the bottom of one of my boxes because, honestly, who buys a love fern?

Apparently, my boyfriend.

I came home from our work party today (catered by the Buckhorn!), to find this:


There was also a poem (because what's a gift from Daniel without a poem?):
I love a semi-sunny spot,
I love to show my color off.
I love to watered every day or two,
But most of all, I cannot help but love you!

(notice the subtle watering directions hidden in the poem!)

This means several things:
1) He unpacked my boxes to find the pot and then repacked them
2) I have a love fern
3) I have to keep it alive!

He told the lady at the nursery that I killed my last plant and she suggested a cactus, but he says he has more faith in me than that. I say he's full of wishful thinking. But I'll try. You know, cause it's a love fern.

(does anyone know what kind of flower this actually is?)

moved with the shakers

What with graduation looming and many people moving out of Davis, there has been a general negative attitude about our fair city lately. I understand, being a Davis-hater myself in the early years, but this sleepy little town has grown on me, and I'm excited to be here for a while longer. In honor of the next two years, I give you Megan's official list of Things I Love About Davis:

-Farmer's Market and Picnic in the Park
-the parade and Doxie Derby on Picnic Day
-strolling through the Arboretum
-Alpha Gamma Omega and the AGO house in general
-our many quirky town characters
-University Covenant Church
-how I can get a suntan just walking to class in the springtime
-the Varsity Theater
-Ciocolate, Crepeville, Ali Baba, Cafe Roma, Thai 2K, Common Grounds
-ADX alums in nearby Natomas
-relative proximity to skiing, good theatre, wine, and home (Tahoe, San Francisco, Napa, and the Bay, respectively)
-the Quad on sunny days
-the ducks, especially when found in unexpected places like at bus stops or in the Voorhies fountain
-The Mondavi Center (but not payroll reports)
-Nugget sandwiches for dinner
and in honor of my education:
-The English department, School of Education, and Professor Hurst (happy retirement!)

This post brought largely to you courtesy of the DavisWiki (another favorite)

sing and dance i play for you tonight

I wrote this on Monday after Senior Night, but didn't get around to posting it until now because I've been lazy with pictures. Oh well.

I didn't expect to really feel much of anything, let alone cry, at my Senior Night. I have, afterall, been technically "alum or something" for a whole semester. And I did pretty well until they started praying for us and then Kristen Jones said that we were ADX to her, and that for a long time, whenever she thinks of ADX, she'll think of us. That got me thinking about Kassey and Bronwyn and Kelli and Aubrey and the Valentine twins and then I started to cry because regardless of what happened this year, ADX has been my home and these girls have been my sisters and my friends and when I think of ADX, I think of all the girls from the last two Senior Nights and how much they loved me and cared for me and changed my life with their honesty and their desire to see me grow.

My prayer for ADX is the same as it has always been - that they grow in spirit and in truth, that they strive for authenticity and compassion, that they be real with eachother and with God, and that they continue to be a light on our campus. I don't know where I would be without ADX and without all the girls who have gone before me encouraging me and pushing me and believing in me. They have supported me through messy breakups, jobs across the country, applying to graduate school, and discovering who I am. They didn't doubt me, judge me, or quit on me and when I needed to step away, the ones who mattered understood. I have been humbled and blessed beyond words.

What a lucky life I lead.

(Although whoever submitted the picture of me and Neal from spring semi for the senior slideshow? Not cool at all. I was honestly rather offended. You know better.)

Pictures of girls in black:

ADX's class of 2006

Obligatory Senior Butt Shot

Sassy

With Pauline, as per tradition

With my girl, Lindy

VPs past and present

We're leaving ADX in excellent hands

2/3 of my little sisters - Jackie and Kimberlyn