a few small repairs

I have never liked showering. The undressing. The lathering, rinsing, repeating. The shaving. The exfoliating. The turning off the water and getting cold. The drying off. The redressing. Then the moisturizing and the make-uping, and the hair-drying and styling. It's just always such a hassle.

Yesterday morning though, I stood in the shower for almost a half hour. I wasn't evening doing anything. I just stood and let the hot water run over me and prayed that time would just stop and I could just stay there, warm and alone and relatively content, for a while.

Of course, that's not possible. So I turned off the water and got goosebumps on my just-shaved legs and looked at the clock and realized I was late for work, single again, and legitimately heartbroken (not the end-of-the-world high school kind of heartbroken, but the real I-was-going-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-you-until-you-changed-your-mind kind of heartbroken). But I put on a brave little face and got a caramel latte on the way to school and smiled when my students complimented my dress and gave the obligatory "Yay, it's Friday!" every time I ran into a colleague and told Nick, again and again over frozen yogurt, "No really, it's going to be OK. I'll be fine," even though I was glad it was dark so he couldn't see my eyes get wet.

But today... I shopped and spent too much money like I only do when I'm sad. And I ate jelly beans until my stomach hurt instead of going to the gym and doing crunches. And I tried to clean my room but just ended up just sitting in the middle of the mess, staring into my closet aimlessly. And I cried because my roommate is away for the weekend and my boyfriend is not my boyfriend anymore and this is the most unhappy I've been in a long time, not just because of the roommate and the boyfriend, but because of school and work and growing up too.

On Wednesday my small group talked about how the world looks at things and says "That is impossible!" but our faith says "With God, everything is possible" and I told them about how when I was in New York, Mike reminded me of Peter walking on the water to see Jesus, but getting scared because of the storm that raged around him. The minute he took his eyes of the Lord, he began to sink, but Jesus immediately reached out his hand and caught him.

I'm trying really hard not to take my eyes of Jesus and to trust him in this stormy season and to let him love me and take care of me and fill all of the empty places inside me. But I sure could use prayers as well. I'm not so good at letting go of my pride and reaching out for someone else's help.