not forgotten

These last few months have been, without a doubt, a very painful dry spell in terms of my faith. It has been difficult for me to focus on the Lord, to put my faith and trust in Him, when everything around me feels like it's spinning so madly out of control and when I feel so hurtfully neglected and left behind.

I know better, cognitively, than to plead "Where are you, God?" because God never deserts us or turns His back on us. I know that sometimes God chooses to fall silent for reasons that we do not understand. I also know that it is us, His children, that forget to acknowledge Him or become so wrapped up in our own lives that we cannot possibly fathom that we are not the authors of our own story, that this life is not our own, and that God has a plan for us. In my head, I know these things. These are the basics I grew up in, the anchors of my faith, the very truths in which I have found solace for many years.

In my heart though, the wounds of the last 12 months have created deep crevices that I have been woefully content to wallow in. I hate feeling lost and alone and without direction, but I hate feeling unable to turn to God, my Rock, even more. I fear becoming overwhelmed with a job I am dissatisfied with, a thesis that feels that it will drag on forever, a social life that has disappeared in the wake of said job and thesis, and so little vision of what my future holds that I wonder if I will just stay in Davis forever. In my heart I feel abandoned and lost and I wonder where God has gone, what any of this has to do with His plan, why He has allowed so much suffering lately.

My head, of course, knows differently. My head is overjoyed that today we celebrate the birth of Christ, our Savior and that the Word became flesh to save us, to save me, in all of my inadequacies and failings. My head knows everything will be OK. That God will pull through - He always has and He always will. That this silence has a purpose, that these wounds have merit, that I am being sanctified through these trials. I know that God does not cause our suffering, but He uses it. I know that He is using this period in my life to somehow grow me into the person He wants me to be.

It's just hard, right? Because I'm a teacher, an academic, an intellectual. I'm supposed to trust my head, the things I know. But I'm also human, and I tend to trust the things I feel just as much.

How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I believe
Barlow Girl, "I Believe in Love"