here i stand

So here's the deal. I'd like to pretend that I'm ready and willing to do anything and go anywhere like I was a year or two ago, but in all honesty I'm scared and nervous and anxiety-ridden and I don't know what I want to do or what I should do or even what I'm being called to do. I just know what everyone is telling me and I feel like most of them are speaking for personal selfish gain and not for what is going to be best for me next year.

All I want is to finish my MA and to make enough money to survive and to not feel like my head is going to explode at any moment.

I'm not ready to teach my classes tomorrow because I've spent all evening stressing out about this interview tomorrow that I don't even want to go to because I just have no idea what I'm going to tell them or if they'll even give me a choice. I thought this time in my life was about options. So why do I feel like I'm screwed either way?


Thanks to everyone who celebrated today with me and Nick and our families. We had a blast and I'll put some pictures up soon.