i believe

I haven't talked about God much lately. To be honest, I haven't cognitively thought about God much lately. I just feel so... overwhelmed. I remember this time last year, I was so aware of the direction of my life and God's hand in it and now... I feel like I'm just counting down the days until June and I hate that feeling because I've always been to committed to the now and I'm definitely not these days.

I'm dreading going back to school tomorrow, even though we've finally started to hit a stride and things are going pretty smoothly. It's just really depressing - the school, the students, the quality of the work that gets done (when it gets done at all). I started teaching because I wanted to make a difference, I wanted to have an impact. But honestly, I'm nothing more than a blip on these kids' radar. I'm not going to be the teacher who gets them to write a 5-paragraph essay. They aren't interested in impressing me, or pleasing me, or even placating me. I'm lucky if they come to class at all.

And the school, oh the school. That place is like a prison. I get depressed just driving into the parking lot. Why can't we put more money into our schools? Why is everything always broken? I teach in a 50 degree classroom in the winter and a 90 degree classroom in the fall and spring. Why don't I have any supplies? How hard is it to get some construction paper so we can make posters?

Almost exactly a year ago, I blogged about discontent. I was frustrated about different things, but my outlook then was so much better than my outlook today. Lord, give me insight and peace.

[Sometimes] I completely forget about God’s undeniable goodness and start grumbling and complaining, walking through my rainy Davis days thinking, “Why am I here? What is the point? Why am I working so hard at all this? God, when will you bless me?”

And I need to be disciplining myself to recognize God's blessings in the ordinary everyday, not just the extraordinary adventures that He sends me on... Because I think the boring everyday requires us to move forward on faith alone as well, it just doesn't seem as exciting.

...I desire to find the joy of the Lord in every single thing I do, and while I have been blessed to go on exciting adventures and work with spirit-filled people and experience God in powerful ways in beautiful places, life isn't always like that. Sometimes I'm stuck in Davis or the Bay on a dreary day and I wish I was at Lake Berryessa or in Maui or skiiing in Tahoe or even working the carnival at COTW but instead I'm reading about the philisophical foundations of education or folding laundry or looking for a new apartment. But God is good and present in all of these things - the breathtaking and the mundane, the exciting and the routine, the life-changing and the sometimes lifeless.

How blessed am I, Lord, to have breath in my lungs and a song on my lips? How awesome is this place that I am surrounded by Your blessings, even when I don't always recognize it? Life is beautiful, even when I'm not in New York, and especially when I'm right here.