you make me feel

Mmmmmhmmmm......

i believe the sun also rises

Oh yeah, I'm home.

Since rolling into the Bay around 2pm on Wednesday, I've spent copious amounts of time with Steph & Family prepping for the wedding, worked a shift for my dad, taken lots of naps, talked to Canadian Mike at COTW on the phone (!!!), bought a new bathing suit, went to the eye doctor, did some Ebay-ing (Seychelles shoes and Anthropologie skirts, to be precise), and have not unpacked a single thing.

I enjoy being home because it gives me a chance to decompress from a frantic 9 months in Davis and then, once properly decompressed, to get excited about the next frantic 9 months. Talking about the graduate program hasn't gotten old yet, which is nice, nor has talking about the new apartment and the new(ish) boyfriend and the (frighteningly impending) future.

Being back at home makes me feel very adult and very childish all at the same time. Steph and I are amazed that our 1st period PE class freshman year at St. Francis was over 8 years ago now - sometimes it feels like we ran the mile together just last week - but at the same time we are proud to be college graduates, going to grad school and getting married and expected to be real adults. Being 22 is such a funny age because I'm not entirely sure where I stand right now. Sometimes I'm a big adult and ready to take on the world and other times it's my first day of high school and I don't know anyone in my homeroom and have a huge zit in the middle of my forehead.

I just want a peek at my future sometimes, just to make sure that everything turns out OK. Will I be a good teacher? Will Daniel and I get married next summer? Will I stay in Northern California (perish the thought!)? Will I eventually get to do AIDS education in Africa? Will I get back on stage someday? What if all these things I'm so passionate about get pushed aside for something else that I haven't even thought of yet?

You see, I often come home and get overwhelmed with all the possibilities. I don't think about them much in Davis because I'm preoccupied with papers and junior high students and the drama of small town living, but I come back home to a house so big and a Bay even bigger and I think about all the places I could go and all the people I could be and I pray that God, in His awesome power, crafts something undeniably "me" for me, so that I can be everywhere and do everything and accomplish something incredible for Him.

I come home and I want to write novels and travel the world and be an amazing mom. I come home and want to learn how to cook and sculpt gorgeous abs and build an impressive library of books no one has heard of but that everyone should read. I come home and I remember who I am - where I came from and what I came through and, most importantly, who I've always wanted to be.

Hold me
Break me
Mold me
And Make me more and more like You

you will be the one to lead

Last night I babysat for a new family that I met through Oasis at UCC. I've had Sarah in Oasis Childcare for about a year now, and she's an absolute doll, so when Linda called me and asked if I would watch Sarah and Lucas on Thursday evening, I gladly agreed. As expected, the children were angels and we read Winnie the Pooh stories all evening.

I remember a lot of Winnie the Pooh from my childhood, but mostly in the form of TV shows and movies, courtesy of Disney, not the original stories by A.A. Milne. I think I would be a lot more into Winnie the Pooh had I been in the possesion of something like this which, of course, I am now desperate to own.

These stories are funny, folks. And in a very adult way too. They are quick and intelligent and sarcastic and gave me several good chuckles.

A sampling from "In Which Pooh Invents a New Game and Eeyore Joins In":

"How did you fall in, Eeyore?" Asked Rabbit, as he dried him with Piglet's hankerchief.

"I didn't," said Eeyore.

"But how---"

"I was BOUNCED," said Eeyore.

"Oo," said Roo excitedly, "did somebody push you?"

"Somebody BOUNCED me. I was just thinking by the side of the river
- thinking, if any of you know what that means, when I recieved a loud BOUNCE."

"Oh, Eeyore!" said everybody.

"Are you sure you didn't slip?" asked Rabbit wisely.

"Of course I slipped. If you're standing on the slippery bank of a river andsomebody BOUNCES you loudly from behind, you slip. What did you think I did?"

"But who did it?" asked Roo.

Eeyore didn't answer.

"I expect it was Tigger," said Piglet nervously.

But, Eeyore," said Pooh. "Was it a Joke, or an Accident? I mean--"

"I didn't stop to ask, Pooh. Even at the very bottom of the river I
didn't stop to say to myself. 'Is this a Hearty Joke, or is it the Merest Accident?' I just floated to the surface, and said to myself, 'It's wet.' If you know what I mean."

In other news, Daniel is home for Father's Day, my mom is coming up tomorrow to help me finish packing, and Mindy is getting married this weekend! Come Monday and Tuesday, I'm off on the Mystery Trip (I'm not even positive where we're going!) with The Edge and then I finally get to move back home. Glorious.

It's hot out.

where oh where can i find someone, anyone

For my birthday, my old boss Sarah gave me two potted plants - a trailing ivy and some tiny little flowers - which I promptly killed. I didn't think I was bad at plants, but I'd never really had plants, so I don't know why I thought I'd be good at them. Daniel was over as I was packing up my room the other day and he saw the empty ivy pot and asked what I was going to do with it.

"I dunno. You should buy me a plant at the nursery and I'll try to keep it alive. It will be like a love fern," I joked.
"That's a good idea. Maybe I will."

I then proceeded to pack the pot at the bottom of one of my boxes because, honestly, who buys a love fern?

Apparently, my boyfriend.

I came home from our work party today (catered by the Buckhorn!), to find this:


There was also a poem (because what's a gift from Daniel without a poem?):
I love a semi-sunny spot,
I love to show my color off.
I love to watered every day or two,
But most of all, I cannot help but love you!

(notice the subtle watering directions hidden in the poem!)

This means several things:
1) He unpacked my boxes to find the pot and then repacked them
2) I have a love fern
3) I have to keep it alive!

He told the lady at the nursery that I killed my last plant and she suggested a cactus, but he says he has more faith in me than that. I say he's full of wishful thinking. But I'll try. You know, cause it's a love fern.

(does anyone know what kind of flower this actually is?)

moved with the shakers

What with graduation looming and many people moving out of Davis, there has been a general negative attitude about our fair city lately. I understand, being a Davis-hater myself in the early years, but this sleepy little town has grown on me, and I'm excited to be here for a while longer. In honor of the next two years, I give you Megan's official list of Things I Love About Davis:

-Farmer's Market and Picnic in the Park
-the parade and Doxie Derby on Picnic Day
-strolling through the Arboretum
-Alpha Gamma Omega and the AGO house in general
-our many quirky town characters
-University Covenant Church
-how I can get a suntan just walking to class in the springtime
-the Varsity Theater
-Ciocolate, Crepeville, Ali Baba, Cafe Roma, Thai 2K, Common Grounds
-ADX alums in nearby Natomas
-relative proximity to skiing, good theatre, wine, and home (Tahoe, San Francisco, Napa, and the Bay, respectively)
-the Quad on sunny days
-the ducks, especially when found in unexpected places like at bus stops or in the Voorhies fountain
-The Mondavi Center (but not payroll reports)
-Nugget sandwiches for dinner
and in honor of my education:
-The English department, School of Education, and Professor Hurst (happy retirement!)

This post brought largely to you courtesy of the DavisWiki (another favorite)

sing and dance i play for you tonight

I wrote this on Monday after Senior Night, but didn't get around to posting it until now because I've been lazy with pictures. Oh well.

I didn't expect to really feel much of anything, let alone cry, at my Senior Night. I have, afterall, been technically "alum or something" for a whole semester. And I did pretty well until they started praying for us and then Kristen Jones said that we were ADX to her, and that for a long time, whenever she thinks of ADX, she'll think of us. That got me thinking about Kassey and Bronwyn and Kelli and Aubrey and the Valentine twins and then I started to cry because regardless of what happened this year, ADX has been my home and these girls have been my sisters and my friends and when I think of ADX, I think of all the girls from the last two Senior Nights and how much they loved me and cared for me and changed my life with their honesty and their desire to see me grow.

My prayer for ADX is the same as it has always been - that they grow in spirit and in truth, that they strive for authenticity and compassion, that they be real with eachother and with God, and that they continue to be a light on our campus. I don't know where I would be without ADX and without all the girls who have gone before me encouraging me and pushing me and believing in me. They have supported me through messy breakups, jobs across the country, applying to graduate school, and discovering who I am. They didn't doubt me, judge me, or quit on me and when I needed to step away, the ones who mattered understood. I have been humbled and blessed beyond words.

What a lucky life I lead.

(Although whoever submitted the picture of me and Neal from spring semi for the senior slideshow? Not cool at all. I was honestly rather offended. You know better.)

Pictures of girls in black:

ADX's class of 2006

Obligatory Senior Butt Shot

Sassy

With Pauline, as per tradition

With my girl, Lindy

VPs past and present

We're leaving ADX in excellent hands

2/3 of my little sisters - Jackie and Kimberlyn

the opposite of war isn't peace

Today was the second annual Epic Quad Battle. There was even an article about it in the Aggie. I happened to get out of the office early enough to catch a bit of it and took some pictures:


The Southern army was outnumbered at least 4:1, but put up an impressive fight. Check out the kid getting pummeled in that last picture. Ouch.

Why do we do these things? No one knows. Welcome to Davis, kids.

hey la la hey

A few photos from last weekend:

Clos du Val

Mmmm, grapes!

Excited to be in Napa!

Chimney Rock

Yay! Wine!

Patriotic vineyards

Diamond Creek Vineyards

The valley

Happy Birthday, Daniel!

That's a big princess cake!

meet me here

My college career is ending in 5 days with as little fanfare and excitement as posisble. I haven't sent out graduation announcements, I'm not having a party, I'm not even walking. I'm just pleased to know that I'm done and that I finished well. I'm proud of what I've accomplished here and what I'm moving forward to do and all I really need is a pat on the back from my dad and to know that my parents are proud of me. Which they are.

Last weekend was seriously a whirlwind. On Friday night, I got comp tickets from Mondavi to the Pacific Edge Film Festival, so Daniel and I went and saw some pieces by Melinda Stone, specifically the Market Street Project, which we were both really interested in. On Saturday, we met up with Alex to go see some of our kids play in the Sacramento Jazz Jubilee, and then on Sunday morning after church we left for Napa. After some winetasting and winery-visiting, we drove down to Millbrae for cake and card games with Daniel's parents and some of his cousins and on Monday morning we visited my mom for a few hours before coming back up to Davis so I could be at elections for ADX's 06-07 eboard.

I can't believe it's Thursday already and that this upcoming weekend is upon me so quickly. Steph's bridal shower is Saturday morning at California Cafe in Palo Alto and I'm so excited to go and celebrate with her. On top of all that UCC's Annual Celebration is Sunday night and they've asked me to be there so they can honor me for my work this year, but I think I have to babysit, so that's kind of a bummer.

So I guess even if I'm not walking or throwing a huge graduation bash, I'm busy enough as this quarter draws to a close. Last night marked yet another fabulous evening at the Denison House after Worship Night at the Edge with grilled chicken kabobs, rice and corn curry, wine, cheesecake, and chocolate covered strawberries in celebration of Daniel's birthday. I have been blessed with some incredible friends and sitting around Alex's huge dining room table, drinking wine and playing "Blind Ignorance" is always a nice reminder.

Pictures from Napa soon. And my brother moved back home. Life stays interesting.

dramarama

Not the most appropriate title, but it's stuck in my head at the moment.

Although there is mad drama going down, hence an update 30 minutes before I leave for Napa, by way of UCC. I called mi madre yesterday on the way home from the Sacramento Jazzfest (where we saw Emma and Sterling rock out at the free jazz venues) and she informed me that the unthinkable had finally occured: they kicked my brother out of the house.

This may require some backstory, probably more than I have time for at the moment, but, bottom line, Daniel has two rules to follow as long as he is living at home with my parents: #1 be home by 2am and #2 no drinking if you take the car, especially if you take Dad's car.

Needless to say, Daniel sucks at following rules. Let's not even get into the fact that he's only 19 and that he's essentially an alcoholic and that he has no respect for anyone in our house. He just can't seem to get home by 2am or resist drinking when he takes the car.

So after breaking the rules several nights in a row, my mom kicked him out. And took his house key.

Daniel, being the arrogrant kid that he is, didn't take any of his things with him, including his books for class. If he fails the classes he's taking at De Anza this quarter, my parents won't pay for him to go back to Chico. Daniel has no money. None of his friends want him to stay with them. His car is about 45 seconds away from breaking down for good. And he insists on calling my parents horrible names and saying that he doesn't need, or love, them anyway.

It hurts to love my brother, because he doesn't love back. He's never been nice to me, he's never respected me, and he's never made any effort to even try to know who I am. And now he's completely turned his back on his family and the only thing I can do is pray. Hard. Because that kid is running from something and none of us know what it is and we've just gotta hope that he finds something meaningful in the process.

Off to Napa. Pace sempre.

and i move forward

What a weekend! The Famine was a great success - staff weren't too stressed, kids learned a lot, we all had a great time and shared some awesome discussions. We didn't sleep much, but I think I'm pretty much caught up by now. On Saturday evening, we went to the Hunt's for dinner. Mr. Hunt has been promising me paella for about a year and a half, and he was finally making good on his promise. Daniel and I arrived at the Hunt farm around 6:30, forgetting that the Hunt's don't eat like normal people. To make a long story short, we ended up sitting down for an authentic Spanish meal at around 9:30. In the meantime, we hung out with Lila and her family and some of Charlie's graduate students, jumped on the trampoline, petted the horses, played darts, and sampled some of the Hunt's home-grown and cured olives while they cooked paella over an open fire in the backyard. When the meal was finally ready, 15 of us crowded around a picnic table lit with candles and lanterns and after Charlie blessed the food, shared bread, cava, and an incredible seafood paella. It was so homey and comfortable and perfect and as I sat there wrapped in a blanket, getting drowsy as Carla talked about the first time she met her husband I realized how blessed I have been here in Davis to know families who love and care about me and have taken me in as one of their own. What more do I need?

Here are some pictures from the weekend (courtesy of Dave, more here):

Nikki and Lila

At work in the Tichota's backyard

Dave and the cat

Corey, Alex, and Alana back at UCC

Daniel shows off a bit

Paella!

The finished product

world's on fire

The Famine is this weekend (it started, in fact, 4 hours ago) and I wish I could just relax and enjoy it. I am stressed out and I have hives and my eyes itch and I have a cold sore. I don't particularly want to sleep on the ground at the church tonight and I don't particularly want to play capture the flag, developing country-style. It's not that I don't like the Famine, it's just that I didn't like planning it.

It's kind of like being VP. Your whole job is to get people psyched on your event and then, by the time it rolls around, you are so sick of making phone calls and coordinating menus and acting like this is going to be the greatest event of all time that you can't even get excited about dressing up for it because, dear Lord, please let it be over soon.

But I have to discipline myself to remember what this is all about, especially since my girls are so excited about it and I am so proud of them for putting together Bible studies and coming up with activity ideas all on their own. Because after all of the planning and organizing and being frustrated with the lack of help and support I recieved from anyone on staff, this is about making a difference. It's about raising awareness and getting our kids to think about people who live somewhere that's not Mace Ranch. It's about realizing that 790 million people go to bed hungry every night and that most people live on less than $1 a day. My heart hurts, you guys, because I buy expensive moisturizer and have a car and own ski gear and don't know what it's like to be without. I'm so guilty of taking my blessings for granted and then I watch the videos that WorldVision sends me for Famine publicity and it just makes me ache. Why am I here when I should be there? Why do I have so much when so many have nothing? Why don't I make a habit of giving until it hurts?

Planning this has made me ache, but in the wrong way. Time for a reality check.

never ever ever

What I would really like to do as soon as I leave work in 30 minutes is crawl into bed and sleep for a couple of hours. What I'll probably do instead is go for a run, take a shower, study for Ed Psych, work on the novel, take some junior high girls out for dinner, and watch the 2 hour Grey's Anatomy finale.

Oh well.

youth of a nation

I picked up the latest Newsweek today when, emblazoned on the cover, was a pregnant women dressed in red next to the title "AIDS at 25".

In 1981, a quarter century ago, five gay men in Los Angeles died from a rare form of pneumonia. Today, over 25 million people have died of AIDS, another 40 million are infected, and the epidemic is still spreading.

As many of you know, I could write a novel about AIDS, its effect on the world, and its effect on my family. Tonight, however, I just want to take a moment to think about the appropriate response to such distressing statistics.

My small group has been considering how God calls us to "do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility, consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others" (Philippians 2:3-4) and what that means for us. And while I encourage them to be nice to that kid that everyone picks on, to serve their parents and their friends selflessly, and to just be aware of their surroundings, I've personally been feeling a call to something much bigger than that.

In the parable of the Sheep and the Goats in Matthew 25, the King tells the people that when he was sick, they looked after him. When they questioned him, saying that they never saw him sick, the King replies, "whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me".

I have never felt called to oversees missions or street evangelism. What I have felt called to do is respond with compassion to a rising epidemic that threatens more and more lives everyday. Why aren't more people outraged? Why aren't more people fighting? I often get distressed when friends ask for my financial support for summer missions trips. I understand short-term missions, please don't misunderstand me. I realize that this world is thirsting for the Gospel. But people are dying. By the millions. And we aren't doing anything. We aren't even concerned enough to educate ourselves. Check this out:

Only 17% of Americans rank the AIDS epidemic as a top concern. Even more shocking? 37% of Americans think (wrongly) you can get the HIV virus from kissing and 16% believe it can be contracted from a toilet seat. There is something wrong with these numbers. There is something wrong with America when it refuses to listen to a generation of dying youth. There is something wrong with Christianity when it stops caring about the least of these.

Me? I'm hoping to do this when I finish my Masters. What are you doing?

Start by edcuating yourself.

real to me

I have a new favorite artist.

Kim Cogan

Check him out.

And no, I can't bring myself to write about anything of much consequence. My apologies.

grace for a lifetime

"Faith is not some weak and pitiful emotion, but is strong and vigorous confidence built on the fact that God is holy love. And even though you cannot see Him right now and cannot understand what He is doing, you know Him." -Chambers


In other news, how much do I love madras??

all the boys think shes a spy

Whoever hacked into my bank account (again) and started moving all of my money around from checking to savings and back again but didn't actually take anything?

Not cool.

on an eighteen month delay

The other day in class, we were talking about minority achievement variability (don't be fooled, it's not as exciting as it sounds), and Professor Johnson summarized a point that the author had made by saying, "Lee argues that Ogbu's theory sees Asians as a monolithic group. Does everyone know what monolithic means?" And this girl raises her hand and says, "It's a belief system where you only believe in one God."

I nearly fell out of my chair. Completely forgetting that I was in class and that I don't know this girl and that maybe I should try to be sensitive to the fact that some people are morons, I say, rather audibly, "That's monotheism. And we aren't even talking about religion." And Professor Johnson laughs and looks at me and says, "Would you care to define monolithic for the class?" and I say, "Well, considering that we were just talking about, monolithic means a homogenous group in which variability is not accounted for."

Duh.

I am so done with college.

In other news, my schedule is so jam-packed I'm having a hard time believing I'm only taking 10 units, and only 6 of them for a grade. Between papers and debates, planning the Famine, trying to move out, projects for work, family obligations, physical therapy, meeting with ADX girls, and general end-of-the-year stuff, I literally am never home. On top of that, I don't think I'm going to be in Davis a single weekend until the end of the quarter (aside from Famine weekend). Ryan and Megan's going away party, my mom's birthday, (Famine), Napa, Stephie's bridal shower, and then I'm done.

Not that I mind, really. I'm sort of over the whole "spending every free second of every day with people because before you know it this will all be over" thing. Maybe because I'm not leaving Davis yet. Maybe because a lot of people who are really important to me aren't leaving either (or are staying nearby in Natomas and Sac). Or maybe just because that's not my style. I don't feel a deep sense of regret and sadness that college is ending. It's been fun, but I know there is something bigger and more exciting on the horizon and I'm perfectly willing to wait that out without getting overly emotional about commencement.

Because that's what it is. Commencement. I'm finally getting to start doing what I really want to do. I get to work in a classroom and be an adult and not deal with all of the college "stuff" that gets in the way. Finally.

I trust that God has had the most extreme hand in these last four years. London, New York, ADX, and UCC especially. I know He has sent me places to train me and taught me things to prepare me, but I don't think He intends for me to hold onto those things and lament that they have passed. I think He intends for me learn from them and move on and use those experiences as a springboard for what is coming.


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord...

close your eyes

I guess I could talk about my job a little bit.

As mentioned previously, my incredible boss Sarah was offered an incredible job with the state, so she resigned from Mondavi and I got moved from the cramped and crazy TB 206 to the spacious and snazzy Mondavi Center business offices. This would be no big deal except that no one really knew I was coming and no one was ready for me. I've put in over 10 hours this week doing nothing but sitting here at the receptionist's desk directing phone calls and getting annoyed because, dammit, this is not the job I worked so hard to get. I worked hard to get a job in Arts Education so I could write curriculum and work with people who believe in arts initiatives and coordinate professional development series for teachers. I did not work hard to date-stamp paychecks and sort mail.

Jennifer, the woman who interviewed and hired me, seemed to be sensing my frustration. She just called and asked if I would like to work in her office tomorrow so she can train me to do all the data-entry stuff and learn my way around the offices. Since there are lots of people who actually do need extra help (contrary to how it appears as I sit here with nothing to do for five hours), she is going to put together a work log for me so I can just move around the offices and help whoever needs help with whatever they need help with.

It's not Arts Ed, but it's better than being a receptionist. I am not cut out for a desk job.

bouncing back to you

A few pictures from Sunday:

Japanese Tea Garden

The Drum Bridge

SF Botanical Garden

love is different

First post from the new office. Not so much an office at the moment. More the receptionist's desk at the Mondavi business offices. I'm covering for Denise while Debbie gets stuff together for me to do. So far, I am bored beyond belief, but am getting to practice my "phone voice" which, apparently, is very good. If it's anything like a "radio voice" my young aspirations of being a radio personality may one day be realized.

Or something.

My Sunday was glorious. Daniel and I left Davis on Saturday night and headed to his parents' house. It was awesome to get out of Davis after the emotional rollar coaster horror story that was Saturday and, all things considered, just spend some uninterrupted time with my boyfriend without all this newly inhereted awkwardness that snuck up on me out of nowhere. We went to the Japanese Tea Gardens, checked out the outdoor installation pieces at the DeYoung Museum, and then strolled through the Botanical Gardens before grabbing lunch and watching the most boring Giant's game of the season (but we had great seats!). Then we met up with his parents, did a little shopping, and grabbed dinner at CPK. We opted against driving home late because we were both exhausted, caught the new Grey's Anatomy, and then got back into Davis around 7:30 this morning, just in time for me to jump in the shower and race back onto campus to be at work at 8.

It's 11am and I'm exhausted.


Now I'm afraid love came right up
And it slapped me in the face
But i did not know

fields of gold

I used the Columbian Coffee Press that Daniel got me for my birthday this morning to brew the most amazing coffee of my life. It was incredible! It reminded me of the coffee that I drank in London and I am wired after one cup. Fabuloso.

In other news, the ivy that Sarah gave me for my birthday is slowly taking over my desk. Frankly, I'm amazed it's still alive, as I have never been very good about watering things, but do excel at killing them. If the ivy goes well, I might consider buying a palm tree for my bedroom in the fall. It's just that big!

Nothing new to report. Today is a lazy day. I don't have much schoolwork to do, so I might pack up my winter clothes and reorganize my things in the barn so that moving, whenever it happens, will be as painless as possible. And can we talk about my car? It's like a warzone. Time to overhaul.

I like days when I can sleep in and then just bum around in my PJs, cleaning and organzing. No deadlines, no meetings. Just me, my iTunes, and some strong coffee.

blast stereos loud

The finish line is almost here
And someone softly whispers in my ear
'Times like these are memories
To hold deep down inside of you and me...'

There is something about Ben and Jerry's Free Cone Day that just screams springtime in Davis to me. The sun was out, Lindy and I didn't go to class, and we got free ice cream while KDVS spun and children ran around barefoot. Then Lindy and I chatted for like three hours about weddings and ADX and friends and all kinds of good things. Daniel says that's the mark of a good friendship - we don't see eachother all the time and sometimes maybe even disagree about things, but everytime we hang out I always say how much fun I had and how much I enjoy her company. True story.

So the sun is finally shining (see?) and next week my work schedule gets all switched around so that I'm done by noon on Mondays and Wednesdays. Glorious. Sitting in this windowless office at 12:30 really bites. I also get a new office next week, actually in the Mondavi Center. The good news is that I get a new office. The bad news is that I get a new office beccause my boss just resigned to take a job at the c apitol. This is great news for her because she gets to head up a state-wide initiative for arts education, but it means I don't get to work for her anymore, and that's kind of sad.

This weekend - Wine, Cheese, and Chocolate Party and the Giants v. Diamondback's game! Watered down beer and garlic fries - I'm a happy girl!

Yikes, it's almost May!

to life

I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. This probably stems from the recent breakup of my uncle and his boyfriend of the last 2-3 years.

Don told me over the phone while I was home from my surgery that Matt was looking for a new place to live because they had decided to break up. When pressed for more information, he told me that since theirs was not a sexual relationship and Matt was younger than he was, Don felt that he was holding him back to some extent and wanted him to really experience life and not be so tied up in his life with Don.

I hadn't realized that they weren't having sex. I mean, I guess I just assumed that they were since they were considered a couple and have, at various times in the last 3 years, lived together. So it got me thinking, what is an appropriate definition of "relationship"?

I think society is so quick to push sex on everything. When I was "dating" Matt from Santa Cruz the summer of 2004, he essentially told me that, in his world, we weren't a couple unless we were sleeping together. So even though we had a lot in common and laughed a lot and did fun stuff together, without the sex we were just "friends". I hear this a lot and I'm not saying it isn't valid to some degree, especially in the secular world. I'm not having sex because I believe there is something sacred about saving that for marriage, but if you aren't brought up believing that, sex can seem like just another thing that couples do, like traveling or going out to dinner or raising a puppy.

The homosexual lifestyle is a lonely one. Don and Matt were together because they enjoyed each other's company. They traveled and went to the theatre and saw concerts and spent holidays together. They lived and laughed and loved eachother - there just wasn't any sex involved. They shared their lives with eachother.

And I think there's just something so pure and beautiful and right about that. Not that I'm not looking forward to sex as much as the next gal, but there's so much of an emphasis on it that the other stuff, the real and important stuff gets kind of shoved aside.

I want to live big and love bigger. I'm looking foward to an awesome marraige and an incredible sex life, yes, but that doesn't mean I'm anxiously waiting for wild, crazy, out of control sex every night of the week. I'm looking forward to spending my life with someone. To laughing and traveling and investing time in things that are important to me. To having someone who listens to and supports me (and puts me in my place when I need it). To sharing life.

My sixth grade history teacher told me (and I don't know why he chose to tell me, of all people, this when I was 12-years old) that he believed we were put on this planet for two reasons: 1) to make others happy, and 2) to be made happy by others. I think this encompasses a lot when it comes to ministry and service, but also friendships and marriages and all of our other relationships. It's like God put us here and looked down on us and said, "Go be happy." And we screw that up so often. But that's what it's about. Being happy. Making the people in your life happy. Finding purpose and sharing life and being happy.

Not too bad when you think about it that way.

feels like today

"We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop?"
-Grey's Anatomy

Turning 21 last year was exciting. 21 is like, "Whoohoo! I'm 21! I can legally consume alcohol! I'm an adult! I can do whatever I want!"

22, however, is a bit more like, "Dude, get a job."

Regardless, today is my 22nd birthday, and I'm celebrating with the usual pizzazz in the Mondavi office. Sarah has been out of the office for the last 3 days, so I don't technically have any work to do and I'm wondering how many hours I can eat up checking my email and reading the news on CNN.com before I peace out and make my way into this beautiful day.

The weather is glorious, which I consider God’s own little “Happy Birthday” to me following nearly 30 straight days of rain. The outlook for Picnic Day is not so hot, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Kimberley, Alison, and I got sunburned at the Rec Pool yesterday; surely it can’t rain on Picnic Day!

I think everyone should have their own personal holiday on their birthday. Do I really have to go to class tonight?

this is the countdown

First things first – I passed the freaking CSET! All four sections. I tackle the CBEST this weekend (yeah, on Picnic Day morning. Boo), which should be cake, and then I’m golden.

Easter weekend was chill. It rained all three days (of course), but we still crammed in birthday dinner at BJ’s, Easter dinner with my grandmother, birthday presents galore, and a traditional Sunday service at Sunnyvale Pres. Plus, several naps. And no homework. And I have my car back. All excellent things.

Today I’m off to look at the apartment that, barring any unforeseen complications; I’ll be subleasing this summer (starting June 16!) and then officially leasing in the fall. It’s on 8th and J, which is still downtown enough to satisfy me, but not on 3rd St, which is starting to get overwhelming and will surely be officially overwhelming once all the graduate school stuff kicks in. The room is 12’x16’6”, the rent is $450, and I barely know the other girl living there. Perfection!

(unplanned transition)

COTW is still looking for another female for Teen Staff 2006. Max forwarded me the email this weekend and, I’m not going to lie, I immediately pulled out my calendar to see if I could make it work. And I can’t. I would only do it if I knew I could commit 100% to the entire summer season, and with student teaching starting so early, there’s no way I could stay until September. And then I started praying about it, because why is the draw so strong when I know none of my friends will be there (aside from Mike) and I won’t make any money and will therefore be unable to pay for grad school?

Going back to New York would be easy. It was so easy to taste and see God’s goodness out there in the Adirondacks, surrounded by amazing staff, and beautiful landscapes, and incredible speakers, not to mention our awesome teens. I get out on the lake and think, “Of course God is good. Look at everything He has created here! Look at how blessed I am to have such an incredible job!” And then I come back to Davis and deal with school and friends and dirty dishes and stubborn students and busywork at the Mondavi Center and I completely forget about God’s undeniable goodness and start grumbling and complaining, walking through my rainy Davis days thinking, “Why am I here? What is the point? Why am I working so hard at all this? God, when will you bless me?”

And I need to be disciplining myself to recognize God's blessings in the ordinary everyday, not just the extraordinary adventures that He sends me on. I think if I decided to go to New York this summer, God would definitely bless that hardcore. But I think He is more interested in me staying in Davis or the Bay, working 40 hours a week at the grocery store or Mondavi, and learning to recognize that His blessings are just as bountiful when things are routine and kind of boring as they are when things are beautiful and exciting and new and I'm heading off into uncharted territory on an adventure that God has called me to and I'm embarking on it based upon faith alone.

Because I think the boring everyday requires us to move forward on faith alone as well, it just doesn't seem as exciting. It takes faith alone to love your roommates even when you wish you were living by yourself. It takes faith alone to find joy in data entry and commit yourself to serving God no matter what your job is. It takes faith alone sometimes to just wake up in the morning and surrender every part of that day to the Lord - days when you have exciting things to do like hang out with teenagers and enjoy the sunshine and days when the only thing on your agenda is housework and homework and no time for the gym and it's pouring outside.

I desire to find the joy of the Lord in every single thing I do, and while I have been blessed to go on exciting adventures and work with spirit-filled people and experience God in powerful ways in beautiful places, life isn't always like that. Sometimes I'm stuck in Davis or the Bay on a dreary day and I wish I was at Lake Berryessa or in Maui or skiiing in Tahoe or even working the carnival at COTW but instead I'm reading about the philisophical foundations of education or folding laundry or looking for a new apartment. But God is good and present in all of these things - the breathtaking and the mundane, the exciting and the routine, the life-changing and the sometimes lifeless.

How blessed am I, Lord, to have breath in my lungs and a song on my lips? How awesome is this place that I am surrounded by Your blessings, even when I don't always recognize it? Life is beautiful, even when I'm not in New York, and especially when I'm right here.


"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living..." -Psalm 27:13

i looked into your eyes and i said thank you

I didn't realize how moody and anti-social the Vicodin made me until I got off it for a day or two. Wow. I feel about a million times better! I actually want to be around people again!

I had cold pizza for lunch. Yummy at the time, not nearly so yummy now.

It's finally sunny and beautiful in Davis, but I'm heading back to the Bay in about an hour and it's overcast there. No fair! It's mid-April! I would like some mid-April weather, if you don't mind.

Mid-April, of course, means my birthday. It snuck up on me this year, what with the graduating-but-not-graduating, shoulder surgery, apartment hunting, and all the hours I've been putting in at work, but it's on Wednesday!

We are celebrating on Friday the 21st at 7:30pm at Thai 2K on G St, followed by board games and cocktails at the 3rd St House. If for some reason you didn't receieve the Evite, do your best to make it out for a little pre-Picnic Day celebration. Nick will finally be 21 (his birthday is on Sunday!) and a good time will be had all around. I'm blessed to have such incredible friends and I want nothing more than to have all of them in one place as my 22nd birthday gift.

You're all that I have and you're all that I need
Each and every day I pray to get to know you please
I wanna to be close to you, yes I'm so hungry
You're like water for my soul when it gets thirsty
Without you there's no me
You're the air that I breathe
Sometimes the world is dark and I just can't see
With these demons surround all around to bring me down to negativity
But I believe, yes I believe, I said I believe
-Matisyahu

call me pandora

There are two things that amaze me about my shoulder surgeries:

1. How those three teeny tiny incisions cause so much horrible pain all the way across my collarbones and all the way down to my elbow,

and

2. How after two and a half weeks of excruciating pain whenever I so much as breathe, I wake up one morning and nothing hurts. Nothing at all!

As I'm sure you can guess, today was a good day of no Vicodin and no "Ouch, I shouldn't have done that". I also finished the COTW slideshow (hallelujah!) and it nearly made me cry. Oh, how I long for you, Adirondacks.

Why aren't you listening to Monday Morning's "Wonder of it All"? Get on it, people.

how great

Blog, what? I'm alive, I promise.

This quarter hit the ground running and, let's be honest, I'm not one for sprinting. I hate, hate, hate missing zero week, even though it's completely worthless, because it means that all of my questions about the syllabus have already been answered when I wasn't around and I'm the idiot who is reasking them. But aside from that, the quarter looks promising. I might actually learn something in my classes, especially the seminar that I was least excited about taking.

I'm still trying to find time to put together all of the COTW pictures into a sweet slideshow and hopefully can get that done before midterms. I had a dream about camp the other night and I wish I was going back this summer, but I also know that it would be totally different without Jenn and Kiki and Liz and Ashley and all of our crazy guy friends who aren't returning either (Josh and Tesz and Dan especially). Max is going to have such a sweet time with Mike and I'm jealous of all the time they'll be spending on the water, as I could probably actually wakeboard this year now that the surgery is done.

I was so blessed to spend last summer there, digging into the Word with Mike every morning, waking up to beautiful sunsets on the lake, encouraging staff and loving on teens and learning to rely on God for everything, not just the obvious stuff. I'm blessed that every time Mike emails me, he asks how I'm doing spiritually and makes sure I'm still in the Word. I'm blessed to have met Jenn (my favorite sister from the 'Nati) and the Perry's (who hooked us up hardcore in NYC) and Beth and Ryan (the most incredible example of newlyweds I have ever met) and countless teens who loved me and encouraged me and taught me so much (Joe and Elizabeth and Taylor and Tim, most specifically). I was called and I went. And that amazes me sometimes.

Maybe because I'm so stubborn and maybe because I have my own ideas of what my life should be like, but I've spent my whole live struggling with discrening God's calling in my life. How often have I completely ignored what God wants for me because I thought I knew what I wanted for myself instead? God promises to bless us in weakness. He says that His power is made perfect in us when we are weak, which is so incredible to me because my life has always been about being strong and capable and knowing where I'm going. But at the same time, how awesome that God desires to bless me for just giving it all to Him?

I know I talk about it a lot, but out of all of God's promises, this is the one that amazes me the most.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Cor 12:9).

the war is won

Someone buy me some Neighborhoodies for my birthday. 19 days, holy crap.